Cheers & Jeers

The Mommies, Esquire Guide to What’s Good…and Not So Much.

The Ratings:

: 5 Legal scales = Awesome!

: 4 Legal scales = Good!

: 3 Legal scales = Average

: 2 Legal scales = Not so much! Try it at your own risk, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.

: 1 Legal Scale = Lady Justice would be irate! What more do you need?

____________________________________________________________

When on your vacay to the Gulf Coast:

1. Lands End Slenderizing Bathing Suits

Mommy, Esquire would like to congratulate Lands End on providing the women of the world a bathing suit that doesn’t make us cringe when we look at ourselves donning it in a three way mirror. Five legal scales to Lands End!!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!! (Kim – mother of three boys birthed by C-section- has road tested this suit and can vouch for it)

2. British Petroleum Company….better known as BP

Mommy, Esquire gives BP a big ol’ ZERO. Actually, we’d like to give you a negative 10, but that number does not exist on our rating scale. BP can’t stop the flood of oil that will destroy fish and fauna. Thanks for nothing, BP!!!!! As lawyers, we can also tell you that all the money that you will pay out in legal settlements will not bring back the natural habitats, wetlands, endangered species, fish, waters, etc. We can’t even imagine what this oil spill will mean to people living along the coast.

Thumbs down....

————————————————————————————————————–

When In Rome….

Mommy, Esquire would like to give people who eat at chain restaurants while traveling one measly legal scale. You get one legal scale for getting your rump off the couch and to another locale. You get zero scales for not having one adventurous bone in your body, people. So….1 + 0 = 1. Sorry!

Chain restaurants may be OK, every now and then...but when you're on a vacay, do you really want to eat there? Come on!!!!

We would like to give some places in Nashville some serious scores for being fun and just generally……awesome!

The Loveless Cafe, Nashville, TN – 4.5 legal scales

The Loveless Cafe was a roadside motel back in the ’50’s. Now, it is a restaurant and destination in and of itself, featuring handmade biscuits, jelly, smoked ham, red eye gravy, etc. They have great barbecue, too. It’s a little out of the way… on Highway 100, but worth the drive. The surrounding buildings have been converted into gift shops, a barn and art galleries. If you venture into Nashville, why eat at a chain when you can eat here? Really. We give it less than five scales because since we’ve lived in the South our whole lives, we’ve actually had better biscuits other places. A Yankee might give it five scales, but we won’t…for now. Those biscuits could use a little more lard. Sometimes butter and lard are necessary. Secret’s in the recipe, so we’ve been told.

Good breakfast at the Loveless Cafe: smoked ham, grits, biscuits, red eye gravy...Yum.

________________________________________________________

Five legal scales for Betty Boots in Nashville.

Betty Boots is a great women’s boutique in Nashville on Broadway, better known as “Honky Tonk Alley.” Betty Boots has the best selection of women’s boots….ever!!!! Think of what Carrie Underwood, The Dixie Chicks, Emmylou Harris would wear. Heck, throw Gwen Stefani in the mix. Cool shirts, hats, and gorgeous jewelry are everywhere. Did I happen to mention the fabulous belts? Rhinestones, people. (((sigh)))) Betty Boots is cool.

Betty Boots is your destination for cool stuff in Nashville. Get there! Now!

_______________________________________________________________

Junior League Thrift Stores

Junior Leagues (Junior League International affiliated, thank you) all over the U.S., Canada, and in several foreign countries operate thrift stores that are open to the public and serve the communities in which they are located. They usually have snazzy names like “The Repeat Boutique,” “The Wise Penny” or “New To You” and have eager Junior Leaguers waiting on you with a smile and wearing some cute apron. Go in. Even if you can afford to shop at Lord & Taylor. Why do I say this? Because those smiling Junior Leaguers shop at the thrift store, too. Chances are….that cute Coach bag that Mary Elizabeth is sporting is something she bought for six bucks. See Caroline over there, hanging up those second hand Lilly Pulitzer shorts? Well, those Gucci loafers she’s wearing may have been bought at the thrift store. Look, this was my (Kim’s) placement in the JL this year and it was fun, people. Here are some of the things I’ve hauled home:

Limoges china: $10, Northface hiking shorts $1.50, New (in box) Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker $6.00, Custom made draperies for the boys’ rooms, completely lined, expensive fabric with upholstered valance $20.00, Orient Expressed smocked jon jon $2.00, New Nike tennis shoes $1.00, Tony Llama boots $1.00, New Harold’s skirt with tags $2.00, Ralph Lauren duvet cover $5.00, Brooks Brothers silk tie $2.00, Lilly Pulitzer cropped pants $3.00, Hulk Halloween costume $1.00 (anything to make my boys happy…it’s the little things), Vineyard Vines shirt $2.00, L.L. Bean vintage lunch box $1.00, Tommy Bahama skirt $2.00, silver picture frame $3.00, Waterford crystal vase $3.00….and I could go on and on and on and on.

I give those Junior League Thrift Stores 5 Legal Scales…..just for being out there and being a service to the community. Another 5 Legal Scales for having good stuff. ‘Nuff said.

____________________________________________________

Anne Taintor ……anything….calendars, wallets, coffee mugs, t-shirts.

Five gazillion legal scales for Anne Taintor. She takes vintage pictures and adds hilarious sayings to them. We love her calendar! Kim gave one to Julie as a little happy and almost wet her pants in the store looking at all of the months. This is one such picture:

Better yet….look at this:

_______________________________________________________

Coppola Hair Straightening System:

Says Kim: I spent a chunk of change on this hair processing and have never been happier. If your hair is unruly/curly/frizzy….then you know what a pain it is. This process makes your hair soft, shiny, and manageable….and mostly straight. The Coppola Hair Straightening System is only offered at professional hair salons and is quite pricey (anywhere from $200 to $300) and takes a long time to apply to hair (2 to 3 hours). My fabulous hair dresser suggested that I do this to tame my curly locks. Yes, you wouldn’t know it from my pictures but I have naturally curly/frizzy hair. I spend an inordinate amount of time with a flat iron every other day or so. Well, I did before Coppola. The treatment should last anywhere from 3 to 6 months. I am thrilled with the results. It took 95% of the frizz out of my hair and it is truly shiny. Yes, my husband freaked out at the cost, but I plan to keep this up. Here’s hoping he doesn’t read this entry. Anyway…..Five big ol’ legal scales for Coppola Hair Straightening Systems. Woo Hoo!!!

Donut Hole Legal Scale for Delta Airlines:

Says Julie: I spent a month in the Atlanta airport the other day. Yes, I get that the weather was bad….really bad. Yes, I agree that we don’t want to risk our lives flying into a storm. I didn’t complain when I sat on a runway for three hours at an airport two states over from where I was supposed to be. I didn’t complain when said diversion made me miss my connecting flight. I sat calmly and peacefully waiting on my name to move from the standby list onto the A list and when that flight was canceled, I stood in line for two hours to talk to an agent to find out when (if ever) I would be departing the ATL. When he told me I was on standby for the midnight flight, there were only five people ahead of me and there was an excellent….if not almost certain…. chance I would be on that flight, I believed him. But then, after waiting another three hours on a small parcel of carpet at that gate, I discovered that I in fact was not the A list….the stand-by list….or even the kiss my butt list. It had been 20 hours since I’d last slept and my teeth were starting to feel as fuzzy as my armpits and I pretty much lost it. And was told, simply, to contact Delta.com.

I’d rather rate them a goose egg on Mommy, Esquire.com. Much more satisfying.

_______________________________________________________________

5 Legal Scales for Noah’s Naturals Anti-Aging Serum:

All natural, organic, no chemicals...just goodness for your dry face

“Oh, how I love this stuff,” says Kim. If you have dry skin and need something to moisturize your skin and help with the fine lines/wrinkles, this is it. This is also great if you are afraid of putting chemicals on your face that you couldn’t possibly pronounce if you were held at gunpoint. Do you really want to smooth animal urea on your face? How ’bout some polydextripolypeptidexyzabc on your cheekbones? Noah’s Naturals is an awesome “all natural” company. This is my first foray into their skin care line. I will be buying more!!!!

0 Legal Scales for Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods, the man (as we so loosely call him), is a brand. As a brand, we do not like Tiger Woods. We think Elin should have done more than busted out a couple of car windows. Therefore, Tiger gets a big ol’ goose egg of a rating. Plain ol’ ZERO. We hope Tag Hauer, Accenture, and NIKE will listen up.

5+ Legal Scales for Mississippi Cheese Straw Factory Traditional Cheddar Cheese Straws

SIMPLY DIVINE

http://www.mscheesestraws.com/

Do you want to taste heaven on Earth? Seriously? Eat one. Just one. The cheese in this cheese straw will melt in your mouth. Good enough to make you slap yo momma. We aren’t joking, sister. This stuff is gooooood! In fact, all of the straws are divine. Key Lime straws, lemon straws and the trailer trash (fancy snack mix) are to die for. Can’t get enough of his stuff. We must warn you…all cheese straws are not created equal. These are SUPERIOR.

5 Legal Scales for Amy’s Organic Foods:

This is also very good!

Kim says:

I got really tired of eating pb&j sandwiches at lunch with the kids. Just because I went back to my vegetarian life shouldn’t mean that I must eat the same ol’ thing everyday. I needed variety. I found Amy’s in the frozen food section. I am now a happy camper. While my husband and kids eat their bellies full of roast beef, I can indulge in something good, too. I found that my favorites are the brown rice & vegetable bowl, the black bean enchilada, and any of the pot pies. I love it!!!!!!! I am not a big fan of frozen meals. I hate Lean Cuisine, etc. However, these are really good!!!!!! Seriously. Even my boys like Amy’s kids meals. Try it. You’ll like them! YUMMMM.

BTW, You don’t have to be a vegetarian to enjoy these meals. #1 Most are low-cal, so good for watching calories….#2 They taste great and are fast to prepare.

Mommy, Esquire gives Dove 5 Beautiful Legal Scales:

Freckles are Fab! The Mommies, Esquire say these are "beauty spots!" This is what real beauty looks like!

Dove deserves a standing ovation! Any company that uses real women, in lieu of supermodels, deserves five scales, five thumbs up, five gold starts, etc. We can’t get enough of the commercial that features the child’s folk song, “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” The women in Dove commercials are beautiful. In fact, the women in the Dove advertising campaign are striking and captivating. They are of all colors, ethnicity, sizes, shapes, freckled, short hair, long hair, young, not so young, mothers, grandmothers, etc. We LOVE this!!!! Real women are gorgeous. If Madison Ave. would finally get a clue and start using real people….they’d get some unexpected and positive feedback. We went out and bought some Dove products just for this reason. How ’bout that?!

Kim: 2 Legal Scales for Bumpits

Booooo for Bumpits

I’m ashamed to say that I spent $9.99 for a box of Bumpits. Bumpits promises that you will go from flat to fabulous in second. I took out three little hollow hump thingys with teeth like a comb. I had to section my hair, tease it like it was 1963, then insert one of these humps (in 3 different sizes … depending on how big you want your hump….big, bigger, biggest bump of all), then comb over the hump like Donald Trump. Anyway, it looked ridiculous. Who started this trend? Priscilla Presley? Someone in the cast of Hairspray? UGH. This is one trend that I wish would die out…like giraffe prints and crocs. No one needs a big ‘ol hump on their head. Sooooo….2 lowly scales for Bumpits. If you really want to waste $10.00 on three little pieces of plastic..go right ahead, sister. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Kim: 4.5 Legal Scales for Kiss My Face Ultra Moisturizer Hydratant Ultra Body Lotion

I adore this lotion. I used the Honey & Calendula when I was pregnant. I like the Peaceful Patchouli, too (I’m a closet hippy). The peach smells great and they also make a fragrance free version. I think this lotion is wonderful and very moisturizing. It is paraben free, no artificial colors, and is not tested on animals. You can buy this at any Whole Foods. The only thing I would like better about the lotion is if it were in bigger bottles and was a tad thicker in consistency. Although, I probably need to get the creme or the lotion with shea butter. I suffer from dry skin and am always trying out lotions and potions to get soft skin. However, I always come back to Kiss My Face. Love it.

Kim: 5 Legal Scales for Eosphere Lip Balm

I almost feel like I’m cheating on Burt’s Bees (which I love with a passion) when I tell you that I adore Eosphere Lip Balm. I received a free, yes, I said free, lip balm after logging on to their website as part of a promotional. I logged on prior to writing this review and the company is now offering a coupon for $1.00 off the Eosphere lip balm. I still think it’s worth it to try it. Plus, you to see for yourself. The lip balm is all natural, organic and the shape of this little egg feels satisfying in your palm. The balm is minty (although it is available in other flavors) and is so quenching to the lips. I love it. Try it. www.theeosphere.com

Julie & Kim: 5 Legal Scales for Target (hey, Target…if you see this…feel free to send us loads of good stuff, coupons, etc.)

The Mommies, Esquire love Target (pronounced Tar-jay). Target is a happy place. You can go into Target and find cute stuff at any time, any holiday. You can even pick up a Starbucks coffee at most locations and sip on some java as you shop. How great is that? Target is clean and well decorated. Walmart would do well to pick up some pointers from Target. You know what we’re talking about. How depressing is Walmart, anyway? But, we digress…. For a discount store, Target, contracts with great designers and companies (Nick & Nora, Cynthia Rowley, Shabby Chic, Hearth & Plow, etc.) and gives the public nice merchandise at even nicer prices. The Mommies, Esquire are never ashamed to buy a skirt off the rack at Target for ourselves or an outfit for our kids. If you’re in a pinch and can’t make it to some swanky boutique before an event, try the big “T.” You never know what you may find. Feeling peckish? Try some Archer Farms brand lemon straws, olive oil & rosemary potato chips, a big container of fresh cashews & an Italian soda. Need holiday decorations for a dinner party? Look no further than Target’s cute seasonal aisles. Broke a heel off your favorite pair of pumps on the way to a meeting? Drop in to “Tar-jay” and slip on some precious pumps..maybe in red? Feeling a little down and need some retail therapy? Just go on over to the makeup section and buy some new lipgloss, bubble bath, and a Nick & Nora pj set with some wild print complete with sock monkey slippers. You get the drift. Enough gushing…we just adore Tar-jay!!!!!!!!!!

Kim: 2 Legal Scales for Build-A-Bear Workshop….I’m MAD!!!!!

I give Build-A-Bear Workshop two little scales, but not for the reason you may think. The bears are cute and the idea is adorable. I even had my son’s three year old birthday party there. I give it three scales for the party…just average. I’m saying it deserves two scales for this:

No one can use the bathroom at BAB unless you are accompanied by a salesperson! Are you serious? Yes, ma’am. The sales staff act like you will take off with a BAB apron or their work schedule posted on one of their lockers in a back room. Hey! We don’t need your calendar plastered with bears dressed up like Elvis, thank you! Let us get back to the bathroom before our children pee on themselves. Plus, we don’t want to feel like you are some prison warden outside the door. What’s next? A strip search at a child’s birthday party? This place really needs a true public bathroom. They are hosting kids for Pete’s sake. Hello?! Ever heard of potty training? How ’bout pregnant women with small bladders? What about needing a few minutes to yourself because you just realized that every one of the kids that came to your child’s party picked out the $20 stuffed animal and not the $10 standard bear? We, the public, need a restroom, BAB!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, the people who put on these birthday parties are SLOW!!!! Kids have to sit (try that with 15 three year olds) and watch while one by one..each child gets their animal filled with stuffing. Lastly, there is no “party room” for cake and ice-cream. If you have a party at BAB, you will have to step outside on the curb to scarf down a cookie and sip down a juice box. Hopefully, no one steps off the curb and into the busy traffic because they are so anxious to use the bathroom over at the Citgo. I’m just sayin’….

Kim: 3 Legal Scales for Kirkland (Costco) brand Laundry Detergent

Our family loves Costco. We try to get the most for our money when we make our monthly pilgrimage to Costco to purchase our monthly supply of toilet paper, paper towels, cereal bars, chips, juice boxes, dishwashing liquid…blah, blah, blah. I thought I would try this ginormous bucket of laundry detergent and save roughly ten dollars by not buying my usual brand. I assumed that by buying this hulking pail, I would be making a smart purchase. I’m totally serious when I tell you that my washing machine and dryer run constantly. Well, I tried Kirkland’s detergent. I was left underwhelmed. My clothes were not as clean as I would have liked them. I ended up having to wash several loads over again…which defeated the purpose of buying this bucket. Kirkland’s brand lacks that fresh smell that you find in many of the brand name laundry detergents. Some of you may like that there is no real smell. However, I need a good smellin’ detergent to knock out the “little boy sweat smell” that I have going on around here. Try it, if you must. Just kinda average…

Kim: 5+ legal scales for the 1947 dress from J. Peterman

I bought this dress last year when it was on sale for a mere $29.00…in black. Usually, it priced around $129.00. I bought another 1947 dress in a pale blue for Easter last year at the full price. I absolutely adore this dress. It also comes in a long-sleeved version for Fall/Winter. This is going on my Christmas list (if I don’t get one before then). In fact, if I could, I would buy everything from J. Peterman…if it all weren’t so doggone expensive. Anyway, this dress looks flattering on everyone…tall, short, skinny, curvy. You really can’t say that about many articles of clothing. Even if you aren’t in the market for a new dress, just order a free catalog and enjoy the descriptions of each item in J. Peterman. There’s a reason that a whole story line was developed on Seinfeld for Elaine to work at J. Peterman. Bottom line: Lady Justice would look fabulous in a red 1947 dress…and so would you, girlfriend.

Kim: 5 legal scales for Chick-fil-A

Why would a vegetarian and self proclaimed fast food hater like Chick-fil-A? I’ll tell you. It’s because if you had kids, you are bound to eat fast food at some time or another…whether you like it or not. Chick-fil-A has nice people working behind the counter. It’s lovely to hear, “My pleasure to serve you!” when you place an order. The place is usually clean…and that includes the bathrooms. The food isn’t bad, as far as fast food goes. I can honestly say that I adore the waffle fries and the milkshakes beat out most (if not all) their competitors. Did I happen to mention that your child can get a free icedream if he/she doesn’t want their toy/book in their kid’s meal? Not bad. I really like it that the music is inspirational and they close on Sunday. I think it’s great that Chick-fil-A is very involved with several philanthropies like Camp Winshape & they actively hire people with disabilities. Plus, the last time we were there, my son accidentally dropped his icedream cone on the floor. Within one minute, the lady behind the counter handed him another one…on the house. Very nice!

Julie: 5+ legal scales for Publix

Did you know that Publix takes any of its competitors’ coupons? So that little $5/$25 purchase from RITE AID can be used at Publix. And the Target coupons you get in the mail….use ‘em at Publix. Stack ‘em with the buy one get one free deals and use the leftover change to buy yerself a nice little bottle of Cabernet because, well, you probably deserve it! Love the groceries. Love the store. Love the savings. publix

Kim: 5 Legal Scales for Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer ! I love this stuff. I wear Rhubarb & Watermelon. Most days I don’t have time to put on a full face of makeup. When I put on Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer, I feel like I have a little color and it moisturizes! Lady Justice would love it!

Love it

Kim: Two measly legal scales for the Oreo Cakesters. Yikes! I try to buy nutritious food for the boys’ lunch bags. My mother (their Grandmother) likes to “surprise” my kids with junk. She bought them a package of Oreo Cakesters. I decided to dole these things out by putting them in their lunch bags. The boys said they tasted terrible. So, I had to try one to see what the fuss was all about. I can’t really trust their sense of taste sometimes. They don’t like brie or mocha anything, for Pete’s sake. When I bit into one, I expected all of the goodness that comes with “Oreo.” I was sadly disappointed. It looks like Grandma bombed on this purchase.

_____________________________________________________________

Julie: Five legal scales

‘Nuff said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Julie: I was in Target one day and needed some facial moisturizer. I am terrible about jumping from brand to brand depending on what is on sale, cheaper, and promises to give me that radiant youthful glow that I haven’t seen since Bush 41 was in office. Anyway…I ran across this fun little label and it met the first two criteria for sure so I gave it a try and now I’m hooked. And…. the little check-out guy at the grocery store carded me the other day when I bought my chardonnay so maybe it’s working? Five legal scales from me.

logo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Julie: Ok so I’ve been changing diapers for nearly six years straight now. I’ve seen it all. And I could spend a one year sabbatical in Hawaii sipping mai tais on the beach with the money I’ve spent on those things. So a couple of months ago I bought (as I regularly do) the jumbo pack of Huggies Overnight diapers because they are necessary for obvious reasons (as in obviously I don’t want to change sheets every morning). So one night when I put the diaper on the baby, the tab on the right broke. Not wanting to waste a diaper, we broke out the duct tape. It looked like project runway gone way wrong. I was annoyed but not upset. Then it happened again. And again. And then I was annoyed. So I wrote Mr. Huggies and told him what happened and he was very, very nice. And he sent me coupons for free Huggies, and coupons for $3 off Huggies and even asked me to send him one of the defective diapers but at that point I’d used them all up and didn’t have one to spare. Anyway….I bought another pack and lo and behold it happened again. The tab broke…just the right tab…on several diapers. So now I’m baffled. It’s either my technique….or it’s the diaper.

So at this point I give Huggies Overnights two legal scales. But I give their customer service five. My solution to this mysterious dilemma? POTTY TRAINING!

_______________________________________________________________________

Kim: Four legal scales for Annie’s Bunny Grahams, four for the Cheddar Bunnies….Five legal Scales for the Chocolate variety. I love Annie’s all natural, organic, wholesome products. I can’t begin to say enough about good ol’ Annie. I would give the graham & cheddar bunnnies five scales, but my kids are really the tough judges around here. I never feel all that bad about giving them a handful of these snacks because they are so wholesome. You can find Annies at Whole Foods and at Walmart. How great is that? Hippity hop to get some!