Universal truths found at The Jersey Shore

The Mommies Esquire are not so high brow and prudish that we can’t appreciate a little trashy reality t.v. every now and then.  Oh, come on and admit it.  Everyone is guilty of liking something a tad tacky.  Someone very wise once said, “Everyone’s got a little ‘Elvis on velvet’ in ‘em.”   You know who you are.  You are the person that sneaks a peek at the National Enquirer as you go through the checkout line at the Piggly Wiggly.  You might like to catch a round of wrestling between episodes of Iron Chef on the Food Channel.  Maybe you like Vienna Sausages….O.K., we won’t go that far.

In this once instance, we can learn something from the MTV reality show:  The Jersey Shore

Says Kim:

If you haven’t watched The Jersey Shore, you are missing the “creme de la creme” of all trash reality shows.   After watching “Flavor of Love” and “Monique’s Charm School,”  I can honestly say that The Jersey Shore has them beat.  MTV put together a group of Italian-American twenty-somethings, all New Jersey natives, in a beach house on the Jersey Shore for a summer to live and work together at a local t-shirt shop.  The group was given a luxury beach house (Well, luxury by Jersey shore standards…complete with a duck phone that quacks instead of rings, astroturf on the roof and 1970’s wood paneling) complete with…..(drum roll, please)….a HOT TUB.  As you can imagine, the show is all about carousing, drinking, dancing, fighting, and foolin’ around in the hot tub.  Did I mention the vats of hair gel that must have been supplied to these people?  On to that subject later.

Do I actively go in pursuit of this stuff to contaminate my brain?  No.

Why do I find myself watching this?  Good question.

It all started last weekend as I was trying to recover from a sinus infection.  My head felt as big as a weather balloon, so my dear husband decided to take the boys out for a day so I could nap.   I just couldn’t nap knowing that I had umpteen million loads of laundry to do.  I crawled out of the bed and began to do laundry, telling myself all the while that I could “rest” if I brought the laundry up to my room and folded it while I watch t.v.  Yeah, right.  I flicked on the tube and came across Snooki, a young Italian-American woman, explaining that she is a “Guidette” and she created the hair hump.  Wellllll, I was hooked right there.  I’m all too familiar with the disaster known as the “Bumpits” (see Cheers & Jeers) and had to watch more.  I was in luck because MTV was showing a Jersey Shore Marathon!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!

After watching the entire first season, I told my mother about the show.  She and I started talking and as I reflected on The Jersey Shore, I realized that there are some universal truths found in this reality t.v. show:

1.  The Jersey Shore could be called “Welcome to the Redneck Riviera”

Yep, found on every street corner in Florida AND at the Jersey Shore

Seriously, folks. Have you ever been to Panama City Beach, Florida?  If I didn’t know better, the entire cast could be from the great state of Florida.  You can find guys wearing those wife-beater t-shirts in any area of the country, but put those same men in a tanning bed or give ‘em a spray tan worthy of a dancer on Dancing With The Stars and you’ve got a whole different species.   Add to that overly tanned women with hair extensions, boobs popping out of tops and micro-minis and it’s the club scene at The Jersey Shore (TJS) or in Panama City Beach.  The only thing missing that could be unmistakably Floridian is a condo full of retirees.  If we saw a glimpse or two of a few retirees mowing people down in their scooters along the Jersey boardwalk, I’d swear it could be Florida.  Better yet, have some retirees sporting windsuits in 90 degree heat and I’d get totally confused.  Florida?  Jersey Shore?  Florida?  Jersey Shore?  It would be a toss up.

Let me also take this time to interject something.  If anyone tells you that Florida is a part of the Deep South, they are sadly mistaken.  Due to the influx of “snowbirds” (people from New Jersey, New York, etc., looking for a warmer climate), Florida has lost it’s “southerness”.   However, I will go one step further to say that the state of Florida was never southern to begin with.  Florida is just an annex of New Jersey.  It is undisputed that Panama City Beach is home to a million and one airbrush t-shirt shops.  The similarities between these two geographical regions are endless….

2.   Hot tubs are mandatory for any good trash reality t.v. series

Don’t think so?  Have you ever seen a reality t.v. show that didn’t have a hot tub?  Name one.  Maybe The Biggest Loser doesn’t have hot tub scenes, but I wouldn’t call that show trashy.  It’s motivational, but I digress.  I truly believe that during the brainstorming sessions in pre-production of any reality t.v. show, some producer probably starts the whole meeting with the following comments:

“O.K., people.   We’ve been thinking about a new reality t.v. show.  It’s got to have good looking and slightly crazy people in it.  But, before we start casting and location hunting…..WE MUST ORDER THE HOT TUB!!!!  Make a note.  Someone call Leisuretime Pools and Spa and order a new hot tub.  Make sure they know we need a tub that can hold at least two men and several skanky women, who will invariably take their clothes off in the hot tub at some point.  Also, make sure that we are provided with enough chlorine and chemicals to kill whatever diseases that these people may have.  Let’s go ahead and plan to incinerate this hot tub after the show, ’cause there’s no way I’m taking the thing home after the show.  The last time I took home one of those hot tubs and installed it at my summer house, my wife and her sister came down with some rash along their backsides and between their toes.  I had to pay a two thousand dollar bill for some dermatologist.  Don’t sell the thing on eBay, either.  We don’t want a law suit.  I swear….you never know what is floating around in that thing by the end of the season. Heck, let’s just call someone handy with HazMat at the end of the season.   Got the hot tub squared away.  Now, let’s talk about concept. Who’s with me?!”

3.   The Bumpit is a true fashion trend….that won’t go away.

Pump up the hair!!!

Snooki, one of the self-proclaimed “Guidettes,”  has real fashion sense.  She likes to sport corsets, trucker hats and a hair hump.  The teased hump in the back of her hair is not as large as Amy Winehouse’s squirrel nest, but it’s worthy of a fist pump (more about that later).  I thought the hair hump could only be attributed to the Bumpit (see Cheers & Jeers) and only seen on QVC hostesses and sorority girls at Ole Miss.  I am so wrong.  It seems as though the Bumpit is world renown.   Snooki has made the hair hump a fashion trend that will make it’s way into 2010 with a vengeance.  I thought we’d be done with the hair hump, but I am sadly mistaken.  The Bumpit is here to stay.

4.   Guidos and Guidettes are universal

“You say toma TOE….I say to MAH to….Tomato, tomato…let’s call the whole thing off.”   I really thought while watching TJS that I’ve heard this “Guido” accent before.  It sounds very familiar and not just because I’ve seen the Sopranos, Goodfellas, Casino, Donnie Brasco, and Godfathers I, II, and III.   I’ve actually heard, “How you doin’?” come from a guy down at Pat O’Brien’s in New Orleans on a jaunt down to the Big Easy when I was in college.  In fact, if you are lucky enough to spend any time in New Orleans beyond the usual tourist traps, you’ll find that New Orleans natives sound an awful lot like the cast of TJS.  I can’t stand it when someone portrays New Orleans natives with a pseudo-Gone With the Wind accent.  It’s just not the way it is.  Think more along the lines of Emeril Lagasse and there you will hear more of the native accent….with just a touch of the late Justin Wilson.

There is a very large Italian-American population in New Orleans and in other southern cities.  I think you’d find similarities not exclusive of TJS in some places you never even thought of.   And I’m not just referring to the hair humps.  The cast of TJS includes:  Snooki, Jenni “J Wow,”  Mike “The Situation,”  Sammi “Sweetheart,”  Ronnie, Vinnie, and Pauly D.   Nicknames are everywhere.  However, I’m still reeling from the fact that Mike calls his stomach and lower half of his body, “The Situation.”  When I heard this, my mouth was full of water and I laughed so hard that I spit it out across the room.

5.   The Obamas did not originate the “Fist Pump”

I know everyone thought it was so cool the way Mr. President and The First Lady fist pump each other.  Yada, yada, yada.  My mother didn’t know what the “fist pump” greeting was until she saw it on the national news during the past presidential election.  I had to explain that it is an alternative to the now passe “high five.”  What I didn’t realize until watching TJS, is that the cast has taken the fist pump to a whole new level.   When the cast goes to a club, they all get in a circle and begin the fist pumping dance.  They literally take their fists and beat the floor in time to the techno rhythm that is being played.  Then they get higher and higher until their fists are pumping in the air.  All of a sudden, you bettah watch out if yous on the dance floor, baby….’cuz Ronnie’s gonna go buck wild.  Don’t even get me stahted on Mike “The Situation” or Pauly D.  These guys are pumping their fists in the air and showing off their six pack abs to whatever girl can “drop it like it’s hot.”  And I am quoting here.

Do I really know what all of this means, people?  Of course not.  I’m a stay at home mom to three little boys.   A big night for me is dinner with my other mom friends at a local Mexican restaurant or a night looking at books at Barnes and Noble with my husband.  All I’m saying is that watching the fist pump thing (and the whole show) is fascinating.  I feel like Jane Goodall watching the mating rituals of some new species in the Amazonian rainforests.  It’s wild because all of these women seriously go for this fist pump thing.  Furthermore,  the fist pump is used to show approval.  One fist pump is O.K.  Two fist pumps = pretty good, etc.  Yeah, like I think I’ll give my new face lotion three fist pumps.  Love. It.

6.  You can always find something to complain about

I had never heard of TJS until I heard about it on The View.  Joy Behar was saying how certain civic groups were complaining that the cast of TJS portrays Italian-Americans in a negative light.   Apparently, there was a big stink about it.  Well, to this I say…..”Welcome to our world.”   If I had a dime every time someone portrayed anyone southern, with a southern accent, etc….as stupid, uneducated and/or living in a trailer park, I would be a very rich woman.   I cringe every time there is a tornado in the Deep South because I know that when the national news media finds someone to interview, it will be the one guy without a tooth in his head who will talk about how his trailer spun wildly out of control but how lucky he feels not to lose his beer and his collection of Lynryd Sknryd albums.  There’s no one picketing Hollywood on behalf of southerners.  No, sir.  Plus, don’t these cast members proudly call themselves “Guidos” and “Guidettes?”   Yes, I believe so.   There’s no script here.  No one providing cue cards.  This is how they really live, talk, dress, dance and do their hair.  You can always find something to complain about.  Get real.

Well, I have to admit that I find The Jersey Shore entertaining.  If lovin’ it is wrong….I don’t wanna be right.  I give it five fist pumps.  Woo Hoo!!!!!

Tagged as: airbrush, florida, guidettes, guidos, panama city, the jersey shore