My weekend has not gone as planned.  So, what’s new?  Right?  Yup. 

I have spent the last 72 hours: 

• taking temperatures via every orifice in one of three children, 
• cleaning up vomit from floors, beds, AND the ceiling  AND….Yes, it is possible for puke to spew that far from the mouth of a six year old like he was possessed by the Devil.  It’s true.  Trust me on this.
• Serving up 7-up and Ginger Ale
• Making trips to the Saturday Clinic at the pediatrician’s office
• Placing sick kids in quarantine and sending off well kids to football games
• Making grocery store runs for more prescriptions, Saltine crackers and Diet Coke for Mommy so I can stay awake for days on end whilst Daddy entertains/sleeps with/reads to well kids.

It’s “all hands on deck” over here.  But, that’s not the real reason I’m writing this post.  I had a very interesting run to the grocery store.  I was in a “Mom stupor” of sorts.  I’m sure my eyes were glazed over as I headed over into an aisle to checkout, but something caught my eye from the magazine racks….

O.K.  Did I just see the words, “Untamed Va-jay-jay’s”   Really?  Seriously?  Did I just read that?  Hmmmm.  Well, I do believe I did.  That’s one way to snap out of a “child puke induced” stupor.   Wow.   Then, I just realized that if my oldest son was with me, he’d ask me questions like:  What is a va-jay-jay?  Why are they untamed?  Does it mean the va-jay-jay is like a lion which you cannot tame?  Is it an animal?  Is it an invertebrate?  What do they eat?  When do they sleep?  Is it nocturnal?  Because it is untamed, can it never be an exhibit at the zoo?  Is it a carnivore?  Ah, the perils of homeschooling.  You get curious kids.  Whew!  Glad I didn’t have him with me.   Plus, do I really want to know the 37 things most men don’t have the kahounas to tell women or do I really want the touch that calms men during a fight?  I don’t think so.  I’ve got enough on my plate without having to “do” something else for any man in my life.  I swim in a sea of testosterone over here.  I do enough for ya’ll.  Thank you very much.  Here’s a magazine for ya:  How ’bout one for men that tells them how to clean up the entire house, fold clothes, put clothes away, give a great massage, make dinner, iron clothes, etc.  I can already see the first lead article, “How to iron like a dry cleaners” and “How to drive your wife crazy with a back massage that lasts more than five seconds”  Great idea.  I’m all for it.  I’d be the first to invest in such a venture.  Anybody?  Anybody?.

I began to look at all the other magazines on the racks…

S’cuse me?  I really think most women out there wouldn’t even read this one.  Why?  Because we all know that if some guy’s mom is spilling the beans, she isn’t about to be fair about it.  If Stedman is a “Mama’s boy” then we’ll all gag while we read this stuff.  So far as Oprah and Gayle sharing a bed for years?  Most women know that’s no big deal.  Who hasn’t gone on a vacation with “the girls” and shared a bed with a friend.  Girls sleep in the same bed with their girlfriends since their first slumber party in the second grade.  It doesn’t change when you reach adulthood.  No Big Deal, here. 

Then there’s ….

The doctors at Duke University have supposedly come up with a diet that beats having gastric bypass surgery.  Well, I’m always a bit skeptical about stories like this.  A while back it was all the rage to eat your weight in some watery cabbage soup to lose weight.  The cabbage soup diet originated from the doctors at the Mayo Clinic, then it was the South Beach Diet from a doctor in Florida, then it’s the blah, blah, blah diet from a doctor at blah, blah, blah.  I’ll give you a quick way to lose weight….sleep next to a kid who has a stomach virus.  Get said child to rub his little hands all over your face and arms.  Don’t shower because you won’t have time.  Then, forget to eat anything for several meals because the sight of food makes you gag after cleaning vomit from the carpet.  Go without sleep.  Plan something important or a date you need to cancel…then cancel at the last minute….because everyone and I mean everyone in your house is sick but you.  Do heaps of laundry.  After a full 72 hours, you should began to notice that you, too, feel sick or at least, very, very, very, tired.  Yes, a stomach virus is truly better than gastric bypass surgery…or the aforementioned diet from the doctors at Duke University.   By the way, wanna cure insomnia?  Get eight hours of sleep.  I haven’t slept for eight hours straight since Will was born in 2oo3.  Seriously.  I’d settle for six hours of sleep and a good nap on Sunday afternoon at this point. 

Lastly,  I did not buy any of the magazines.  I knew I wouldn’t have time to read any of them plus, I’m not in the mood to explain the whole va-jay-jay thing to my sons…So. Not. Ready. For. That.  No, sirree.  I spent Saturday with my son at the Saturday Clinic.  As we headed out the door, I noticed I did not have a “barf bag” on hand.  What does Mommy do?  I grab a little bag from the last shopping trip and lined it with a trash bag.  Cute.  Maybe I should submit that little tidbit to a magazine?  Not a bad idea considering all the garbage that they print, anyway.  Right?

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